An Alternative to "Finding Your Purpose"

My purpose is to tell you to stop searching so hard for yours 😐

If another article even mentions that it'll help me find my "life purpose," I might throw up.

And then I'll go read it three times. Because of course I will.

I spend way too much time thinking about purpose, meaning, and how I should endeavor to spend my short time on this planet. (Probably more time thinking than doing, if I'm honest.)

But through all the journaling, reading, podcast-devouring, and navel-gazing, I feel like I’ve hit on something that feels true. It's a principle I began to follow years ago in small ways without fully understanding it. But now, I want to follow it every moment of every day for the rest of my life.

And it's this: Stop worrying about some overarching life purpose. Instead, focus on alignment.

How a swing dancing convention changed my life

It was 2014. I was finally walking to my car after another long day at my first big-girl job.

A college buddy and I were catching up over text when she dropped the bomb. "Oh, and I'm going to this big swing dancing convention! Excited about that."

I stopped right there in the parking lot.

A swing dancing convention? And she hadn't told me??

We were both avid dancers at the time. But a whole convention dedicated to dancers—I hadn't even known something like that existed. My heart was pounding. It was the single greatest event I could imagine.

A dance from my college days in my TWIRLY TWIRLY dress

A quick Google search on my tiny smart phone revealed that the event was only a month away. And that meant all tickets were at their highest price.

Despair! Even if I splurged, I'd have to somehow pay for both a hotel room and gas for the six-hour trip. I was a new grad with my requisite mountain of student loans. Big expenses were out of the question.

But I suddenly wanted to go more than I'd wanted anything in years. My heart was in my stomach. I felt all my hopes and dreams (of the past 15 minutes) crumble around me.

But I had no idea that I was about to learn one of the biggest lessons of my life.

Because as I berated my friend for telling me so late, she dropped a little ray of hope:

Event volunteers got free admission. I could get in for free. That is, if I was accepted to the volunteer team by the cutoff date.

...Which was, um, that very night.

Cue the most frantic evening of phone calls I've ever undertaken. I left four increasingly unhinged messages for various event organizers, ranging from "I am here to help" to "I will personally detail-vacuum your car and babysit your children for a year if you add me to the volunteer team."

(I don’t actually remember what I promised, but the sentiment was there.)

At 9 pm, I got a call back from a tired-sounding volunteer organizer. "Persistence will get you anywhere," he sighed, and guaranteed my free ticket. The next morning, I managed to worm myself into a hotel room split with six other people (not kidding), and found a friend of a friend who was looking for a carpool buddy.

I could tell you this was a lesson in the power of persistence, or persuasive phone calls, or luck. But the truth is that, as soon as I heard a free ticket was possible, I knew it would work out. Something in me knew without a doubt that somehow, somehow, I would go to this event—without breaking my tiny budget.

That was my first lesson in moving with alignment

Um, -gag-.

I know, I know. I feel awkward using a buzzword like “alignment.” It feels almost... gross? Fake? Basic? But for the life of me I can't find a good replacement.

So we're sticking with it. Here's how I think of alignment:

Alignment is when you're moving toward the thing you're supposed to be moving toward. You are true to yourself and your desires. Those desires might be as big as blowing up your life, or as small as choosing what to eat for breakfast. But when you're in alignment, that direction feels deeply right.

Lately I've been listening to the podcast Bewildered by Martha Beck and Rowan Mangan. They talk about this same idea in terms of living in integrity with your true nature. I think that's a great way to think about it.

For most of my adult life, I've been obsessed with making the "proper" choice. The "logical" one. I tend to fret over decisions for weeks. I choose the safe route, over and over and over.

But in that one night I was somehow able to move mountains for a big desire that had come up without warning. Aligned decisions come from the heart, not the head. And at risk of sounding like I'm exaggerating, I believe they're the most powerful force in the world.

How to recognize alignment

It took a while for me to understand what happened during that night of frantic phone calls. At the time, I only felt giddy with how smoothly everything had worked out. But looking back, it was a clear example of moving in alignment with myself.

I wanted to attend the convention. I knew I had to be there. And somehow, because I acknowledged that deep desire and took action, everything fell into place.

That’s not to say that alignment ensures perfect outcomes. But I do think it’s the most likely path to getting them.

Acting in alignment with ourselves may be the most important skill we can learn in this life. But those opportunities for action can be hard to recognize if we're not used to looking for them.

Even though I've become more aware of what alignment feels like to me, I'm still a serial overthinker and decision-fretter. But the handful of aligned decisions—and the vast number of misaligned ones—I've made over the years have begun to form a sense of what I try to look for.

Here are some guideposts that might help you recognize alignment in your own life:

A feeling of fresh air

There are two kinds of desires: Those that sound right, and those that feel right.

We place a lot of value on the former. We know what sounds acceptable on paper, the “logical” choice. We know what we should want.

But an aligned goal feels right on some deep level. Sure, it might also feel scary—because venturing away from “logic” and “should” always does. But if you isolate the desire itself from the pressures of society and expectations? It feels like fresh air. Like freedom.

If you’re an overthinker like me, it might even feel too easy—like it’s a danger to accept the desire because you haven’t considered it from every angle.

But your gut knows the truth. When you feel that tug toward fresh air, it’s time to move.

Certainty from compromise

An aligned goal feels inevitable. You know that it will happen because you'll do anything to make it happen. Once you acknowledge your desire, it will suddenly and ferociously take priority in your life, and you'll see clearly what you're willing to sacrifice or compromise to bring it to fruition.

With the swing dancing convention, I was willing to make scary phone calls, which I normally avoid like the plague. Driving there with a stranger was the most awkward road trip of my life. And the whole weekend, I slept on a crowded hotel floor—and definitely got stepped on.

Now? That trip sounds like literal hell. But at the time, it was right for me. I was young enough that it felt like a wild adventure. Every sacrifice was easy to make for what I wanted.

When you're moving in alignment, your goal shoots towards the top of your priority list. You know you'll do what you need to do.

This is the face of someone who’s slept on a dirty hotel floor for three nights, apparently

Joyful effort

Most good things in life take work. But when you're in alignment, that work feels delicious. It’s work, yes, but it feels joyful, purposeful—because you know the outcome will be worth it, and often because the type of work itself often feels something like home.

When I was in junior high, I once spent a series of long evenings sliding turquoise beads onto hundreds of gold safety pins, which I then pinned together to make an elaborate headdress for a Cleopatra costume. It took countless hours.

To some this would seem pointless. I could have easily made a less-detailed version in a single afternoon, or even just bought a pre-made costume instead of buying beads. But I was aligned in my purpose: I had a heart-stopping vision for the costume I wanted to create. Though the act of stringing beads was tedious in one sense, it also felt exciting and purposeful.

What experiences in your work, play, and relationships have felt like joyful effort? Recognizing those moments from the past can help you notice them in the future.

And now, I'd like to make a big claim that many might disagree with:

There's no such thing as life purpose

I don't think we're here to each find our one, specific thing. Instead, "living your purpose" is really just taking aligned action, over and over again.

Going to the swing dancing convention was absolutely the right thing to do back then. But that doesn't mean I was born to be a world-renowned swing dancer.

Making the costume headdress was the right thing, too. Looking back, it makes it clear that I've always loved making costumes. But that doesn't mean I need to become a professional costume maker.

We are multifaceted. It makes perfect sense that the experiences that feel in alignment for us will take many forms. Some will be long-term pursuits, some won’t. Some will bring financial gain, some won’t.

Why try to force yourself into one "life purpose" box when there's a whole buffet of aligned life experiences to enjoy?

I think that life presents us with endless opportunities to act in alignment. And we can get good at noticing and acting on those opportunities, or ignoring them.

But trusting our inner knowing can be, honestly, terrifying

Because acknowledging our true desires can sometimes be scary as hell. What feels right deep in our guts might look bizarre or even unacceptable to our peers and communities. Our true desires, the ones that come from our truest nature, can feel so powerful that they might burn our lives to the ground.

And they really might.

But here's what I know: Every big goal that I've tried to force because it was the acceptable, "logical" choice has utterly failed. Not because my strategy was poor or because I did it the wrong way—but because when I got in deep enough, my body rebelled.

It's been most obvious in my career paths. At one point I started an editing business because it seemed like the best use of my skills. At another I started offering writing coaching because it was what I saw others with my background doing. Both endeavors fell apart in months.

Hell, I first got started in marketing because that seemed like the best way to pay off my loans quickly—even though I really wanted to explore other fields.

In each path I tried to force, I burned out. I got depressed. I lost motivation. Even when I couldn't name the problem, something felt wrong.

On the other hand, every desire that I've let grip me and carry me where it wants to go has changed my life for the better. Every good thing in my life—my spouse, my kid, this newsletter, even the music I have playing in the background—has come from turning off my overthinking brain, acknowledging my true desires, and taking action in alignment with them.

And yes, some of those desires really did burn my previous life to the ground. But what has replaced it is better than I could have ever planned for myself.

Time to gather

Alright friend, it’s your turn. One of the benefits of this new newsletter is that it is interactive.

So I'd love to hear from you: Is there a time you made a big decision that was aligned with your truest self? How did it work out? What did you learn?

Come share some inspiration so we might all be a bit braver in taking truer actions in our own lives.

Join in the conversation: